Friday, October 27
-Everything-
Lifehouse
(OST Smallville)
Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper, now
Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything...
Wednesday, October 25
Bummeramas.
Here I am bored outta my wits. I tried doing past year questions for Physics. It's either too difficult, too boring or it just involves having to use my precious brain to calculate the momentum for a free falling brick.. or something. I couldn't sleep well for the past two days. Between hours of snooze, I get subconscious reminders that goes like... "20 plus days left... WAKE UP! SPM is real near... don't sleep.. STOP dreaming." Sounds silly. But it's scary. I'm struggling to keep myself sane and to remain my chillin'-while-studying mode. And dreaming about someone you miss is not helping.
Was supposed to go shopping in Times Sq and Sogo today. However, the local bank was robbed so mom needs to settle things. Hear this, the bloody alarm went off TWO days after the robbery. What the hell. There goes everything. I'm not even done with my shopping yet. So's mom. Talking about shopping, I went to 1 Utama and Ikea on Monday. It was a dream come true yet a nightmare too. The shops there (1 Utama) were all those I see in Seventeen magazine (I'm the future editor-in-chief, thank you very much! Lol!). Miss Selfridge, Rip Curl, FCUK. Get the idea? The clothes in most of the shops were mature and plain, not that gorgeous but the price is disgustingly and ridiculously EXPENSIVE. I was in envy of the people there. I ended up buying a pink, flair mini skirt (Urban & Co.) which originally costs 130 bucks. They were closing down so I got it with a 60% discount. Was quite disappointed until I reached to the floor I can really connect. I was overjoyed when I saw Extreme, Tropicana Life and yes my baby Radioactive. Couldn't resist getting something from there so I bought a V-neck tee with of course graphics that rock my socks. Seriously, I just L-O-V-E Radioactive apparels. It's young, loud, and the style is sooooo... me.
Mabz told me that PJ/Damansara 13-year-old girls dress like they're 17 or older. It's true. Haha. Hey, I felt hell awkward that day although I dressed my age! I wore a long sleeve, white blouse and a white plaited mini skirt plus my high heels. FYI, I was never ever the girly girl and I don't dig heels... til I hit 17. What I love now are bohemian skirts and earrings, lacy tops, colourful plastic 'monk' beads (lol.. quote Rach C) necklaces, pretty heels and I'm going to the tote bags zone soon.
Oh my gosh. I'm officially girly. By the time I enter college, I think I'll be so Putri-ish. The Kelisa. The clothes. Starbucks. Futsal. This can't be. No no. I'll be playing guitar, doing hip hop dancing, learning French and, and .... erm... clubbing, no... I'll be rocking for Jesus. Yeah. That's it. I'm no identity thief. I am me.
Rachel Law. Girly girl? *Shivers*
Sunday, October 22
A Bollywood Love Story.
Deepavali! The festival of bright shining lights and everything sparkly, not to mention sumptuous tantalizing food!! *drools*. I stayed at home the whole day watching Bollywood movies on telly. Initially my class was invited to my Head Prefect's home for the open house. However, being lazy as I am and also the matter of transportation I passed. Sobbing while watching scenes where the heroine can't be with the hero (ok, I didn't sob. haha!) I can imagine my classmates having the time of their lives piling their paper plates with mountains of delicious Indian food and 'ta-pau'-ing (take away) tupperwares of murukus. Sobs. XD
I think I fell in love with Bollywood movies when I first watched "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" since it was such a craze back then that I decided to watch it myself. And I shall not bother telling you the core storyline of Bollywood movies. Hero meets heroine. Goes bollywooding (you know, playing hide and seek behind coconut trees and rolling down the hill of green grass?). Couple meets parents. Hero fights with villain. Couple bollywooding again. More singing and dancing at the marriage ceremony. I really love the scenes where people come together, sing and dance in their very bright and colourful and shiny costumes. And oh, I just ADORE the 'noisy' bangles and creative henna (temporary tattoo) on their bodies.
I remember I mentioned before my favourite food has got to be Indian food. They are exactly like the culture. Rich variety of tastes, textures, colours and choices. And I love the smell of jasmine flowers. Two years ago I was the 'Indian model' for the Interact Club's "International Understanding Day". I was clad in a navy blue punjabi suit and was 'decorated' with bangles, earrings and all things shiny. Haha..! Last year, I was in charge of the country of Pakistan, and I remembered I travelled around the neighbourhood to find jasmine flowers to decorate the booth. Ended up buying garlands of sweet smelling jasmines at a mini stall outside a Hindu temple. At first I was quite upset about being chosen to be in charge of India and Pakistan whereas the other Interactors get to take charge of Holland, Russia, Japan et cetera. But you know what? Knowing and understanding the culture and beauty made me fall in love with India.
Once, I was so obsessed with the bangles and henna I bugged my mom to bring me to Lebuh Ampang to buy it. The shopkeeper even asked me why I am buying them. I was like, "Cantik mar, bukan kah?" Haha...! Mom suggested I buy myself the traditional Indian costume. I want the karina suit (sorry if I spelt wrongly) which the blouse is shorter than the punjabi's and the apparel isn't that body-hugging as the latter. I've got the baju kurung so now I'm gonna get myself the Indian one. Haha. I don't have my own cheongsam though. All the cheongsams at home are my grandma's. Authentic materials bought and brought from China! They are quite nice (on me) haha! Anyway one more day to go and Raya is here. Besides going on shopping therapies with Mom (and missing someone like nobody's business, lol!) I'll be at home watching "Mollywood" (Malay/Indo) movies at home.
You know someone says he is a woman trapped in a man's body? (or vice versa). Sometimes I wonder if I'm an Indian trapped in a Chinese's body! Lol! That's all for now. Tune it soon for my shopping adventures!
P/S: Don't you think Aishwarya Rai is sooooo hot? XD
Thursday, October 19
Unhappy.
Exactly one month to go. Sleepless nights, partial self-hatred and stress are definitely taking their toll on me. Haven't been speaking much or feeling anything like a kid in the candy store. Pure bitching the whole friggin' day. A brief conversation with a friend who is battling in the same war smacks me hard in the face although it was a harmless and normal tete-a-tete. Regrets. Pressure. Fear. At the same time, anxious and excited for the long-prepared war to be over.
Yeah, I was the top student who always scored straight As. Thus, people (oh heck, the whole damn world) are expecting, 'prophesying' and uncorking wine bottles to celebrate my 'victory' already! My best friend told me I shouldn't give a shit about what other people say or think. I can do that. However, my pride refuse to do so.
I know I cannot just chill out. It's not like I have a dad (what more one who's a manager or CEO of some company) and mom's a single parent. I am neither rich (or snobbish) enough to survive in private colleges. Scholarships? I'm either not qualified for them or it's financially cut-throat, support aftermath.
At this point, I wonder if God can just do something (like kicking my butt or slapping me awake) about me. When I gave my best, I screwed up too. And what? I'm relying too much on my own strength? I thought I'm supposed to give my best and leave the rest to God? All the friggin' top students so far are non-christians. Lord knows I wanna glorify Him and be a testimony with my results. Maybe God is trying to tell me something but I am still so blur. I just hope He'll point it out to me soon. I will not lose faith in Him regardless what comes my way. Sigh. Seriously. I don't know what else I can do but just study real hard for the moment.
Time is running fast, and running out.
Tuesday, October 17
Tripping. Falling. Fell. Fallen.
What the hell lah. It's 11 plus at night. Haven't eaten since 10 hours ago! Haha. Well, I am guilty of consuming one small piece of chocolate. =P Mom's not back. I'm alone at home with only Kelly Clarkson's voice accompanying me. So sad. Don't ask me to do revisions now. I've been doing Add Math the WHOLE day. I think I'm gonna have nightmares on logaritma & index questions tonight. My first two free periods in school, seminar at tuition center and private tuition at night were filled with Add Math, Add Math & yes, more Add Math. I'm hungry. Sleepless. Exhausted. Stressed out. In love. I can assure you that the 5 things I've mentioned cannot be simplified or solved in a jiffy even if I've never done Add Math in my entire life.
I don't know how to write about item number 5 without sounding predictable, corny, mushy and typical. The topic is just stereotypish for me. Haha... what the hell. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Yeah I'm in that zone. When you get in, it's hard to crawl out again. And when you're in there you start to talk nonsense and everything you say is just half poetry and a complete load of bull----. (No, please don't close the window yet... haha!) It's amazing how one idiot (yeah YOU idiot. Haha...!) can drive you mad... madly in love with him, that is. Especially when he's one of your closest friends, a buddy you hang out with and can be totally transparent around him, who teases you until you cry but laughs with you at the end of the day. All that continues with a heck of a happy day and generous, quirky-looking smiles and what you'll get are strange stares from people. Crap, my English is whacked NOW? Lol!
It's gonna be 12 already. I feel like I own the house now! Haha... my very own 'apartment'. Woopee. Aightz, before the poetry and crap goes on. I'll leave now. Cheerios~
Sunday, October 15
Graduation Pics!!
Took this after rehearsals.. that explains the un-finished look. =P
Decent class piccie with class teacher...
The teachers, big shots and of course, the DATUK (who came real late!!)
Our beloved class teacher and us!! =)Saturday, October 14
My High School Graduation!
For the first time in the history of SMK (P) Pudu a.k.a. PESS (Pudu English Secondary School) my alma mater... was yesterday's high school graduation for the fifth formers class of 2006. I am indeed honoured and was psyched about it since we are the first batch to have a graduation and also because it's so typically US high school-ly. Very cool indeed.
For my graduation, I was clad in a baby blue baju kurung (so sweet and cute... haha!!), dark purple pumps, chunky-bohemian earrings and my cute-innocent hairstyle (sweat! I can't argue with y'all saying that I look cute. I admit it as well. Happy? Grrr... lol!). As for the makeup I wore lip gloss (yumm... hehe!), my eyes were lined black with a slight touch of mascara, helped by class beauty (with brains of course) Peggie dear. If I did it, it would be so gothic trust me. Everyone was so pretty and demure and just fabulous. My school counsellor and the discipline teacher whom I really hate complimented my look. So flattered! (Or should I not since the former has not a very good sense of fashion? Lol!) Many, ok my girls and I too were like camera whores. Lol! Non-stop piccie-taking with our certs, teachers, friends and whoever we can grab! Overall, it was an awesome experience and a memorable way to end our high school days. Sighs... it's a little unbelievable I'm in my last year in this beloved (and sometimes hated) alma mater of mine. How time flies when you're having the great moments in life!!
HOWEVER. Haha. There is always a catch! The friggin' air conditioners were hell screwed up. What the hell were the people in charge (of the hall) thinking? They know there's gonna be a big event and they didn't bother to check the facilities? And FYI, we the beautiful graduates were all wearing long sleeve/long everything plus the graduation robe as well. 75% of the event were spent bathing in sweat and heat and plenty of mumbling, grumbling and mean whispers. As for the teachers, guests and the Datuk who arrived extremely LATE (just because he contributed so much to 40 schools in Cheras... and his english sucks as well), they have a stand fan next to them. Another smaller big shot's speech was so friggin' long we were all tempted to throw our high heel shoes at her since there wasn't any rotten eggs or tomatoes. Her speech was full of bicycles, eagles, caterpillars and god-knows-what and choking with metaphors. You're giving a speech, not composing an award-winning karangan for crying out loud! And of course, we were choking and suffocating in heat and excessive production of sweat not to mention ruining my nice make up. Sobs. Haha!!
After that, Joyce and I went to Times Square to catch "John Tucker Must Die". Jesse Metcalfe is undeniably, seriously... HOTT. He's got the ideal physique of my dream guy. Cute/baby-faced with a fine hot bod. *Drools* The show was real nice and I love the soundtracks. (It's got AAR's "Dirty Little Secret"). Went for BK class (Steph was like, "Wow, so pretty today." in canto and I replied, "As always." Haha...! While another dude was guessing I came from a cultural event . Lol!) Anyway I dreaded going for BK, having the fear of my life I'll fail the friggin exam AGAIN. Guess what. I didn't! Haha! In fact I got a C6... yeah it's bad. But I'm really relieved I passed! At least it doesn't hurt so much. But I better buck up for SPM. A1 you're so in my hands!! =P
my English essay! >_<
Thursday, October 12
my English essay for Trials. >_<
A great rush of blood flows up to my brain. My palms are sweaty, knees shaking and my heart beats faster than the bullet train. The intense adrenaline that is spreading throughout my body numbs my vision and hearing although the scenery is gorgeous and the sounds are just mind-blowing. And I haven't even bungee-jump from the platform, way high up at the peak of the waterfall.
Some people may give you a big no-no if you ask them if they want to try bungee-jumping, whereas some will jump at the opportunity for the sake of blood rushing up to their heads or just going against what their conscious minds are saying. Whatever the reason, that is what I call 'excitement' and I am not referring to all the handbag-snatching-then-murder cases happening in the city.
Sure enough, outdoor activities and extreme sports have their dangers no matter how exciting they could be. However, people are actually making a fortune out of it. For instance, professional skateboarder Tony Hawk who used to win the XGames competitions is more of a celebrity now that they even made a videogame with him as the game figure. Undoubtly, he is rich and has got all the 'bling blings' but behind all the fame and fortune he is just another daredevil who feeds on excitement and above all else, takes the risks.
Furthermore, reality shows are brilliant examples that define excitement and danger as well. Would you munch down a dung bettle, cow's brain, sip some blended goat's eye juice? Heck, some of us can't even bear the smell of durians! Would you want to live on a deserted island with strangers and survive by having worms or slugs for dinner and coconut water for the entire three months? Many don't see the point of wrecking one's body system by consuming 'primitive' delicacies and living with backstabbers for twelve weeks. Nevertheless, what reality shows contestants gain are their 15 minutes of fame plus cash and prizes, if they do win. Most importantly, they have experienced something not everyone would choose to do because of their courage, curious minds or even the love of money. In addition to that, reality shows build up our survival skill if we were placed in difficult situations and not to mention, this harsh reality we are living in. They might also boost our self esteem, change our perspectives of life and mould us into better individuals.
People who look and hunger for excitement and danger are those who live life to the fullest, not being foolish. God blessed everyone with only one life and thus, we only live once. People who accept and take challenges and fill their lives with great experiences with care will definitely end up being wise and contented. Why live an ordinary life when you can live extraordinarily? Have you tried rock-climbing yet? Well all I can tell you is, been there done that!
Saturday, October 7
Multiple Choices in Hell?
Oh yeah baby! Came back from IMPACT youth concert organised by my church's youth. The crowd wasn't that big as the previous one but still God's anointing was so real and so great! Putra Aman church's youths came, thanks for coming y'all! The sermon by Ps. Clement Wong was awesome, not to mention got us laughing our butts off and rolling on the floor. (Yeah, that was an exaggeration. Lol!) One of the stories was about this boy who was real naughty. He died one day and was brought to hell. There, an angel gave him three places to choose where he wants to spend eternity in. A) A HUGE room with people stepping on him. B) A HUGE room filled with 1 feet of shit (LOL!) C) A HUGE room as well, with 2 feet of shit. But with coffee. And he chose the third one because can have coffee all. So he went and made cappucino for himself (despite the real 'shitty' smell... hmm!). Then suddenly, there was an announcement: "OK, coffee break's over! Now go dunk your head into the ground." Get it?? At first I was like, what?! Then I remembered the place was covered in 2 feet of shit. Wakakak!
That was only one of the real hilarious stories. Let me tell you another one. He told us about the Rich Man and Lazarus parable from Luke 16. Of course with all the humour in it. He said the wife of the rich man wears blouse of Gucci, watch by Armani, makeup by Nina Ricci, favourite fruit was lychee, own cars like Mercedee (broken slang), Lambourghini and Ferrari and maid called Apachi and favourite food was chapati. Wahahaha! I laughed my butt off till I was literally crying! Aiyo, I tell you he's the funniest pastor I ever met! So many more funny things he said lah. And he was a tremendous blessing to us. 2 people were saved tonight, hallelujah! Though not many but I quote from the book of Luke, "Heaven rejoices over one lost soul who's saved than a thousand more who have been saved."
Anyway, he gave us the illustrations about heaven and hell. And hell is real scary. It's in absolute darkness although you are being burnt up by fire. You can hear cries, screams of regret, sorrow and pain but you can never find anyone. And, you remember things. Like the sins you've commited on earth and how your friend told you about Christ but you didn't listen. When Pastor wanted to pray for us who want to save our friends, I went out. He laid his hands upon my head and just pray. Then I was slained. When I was lying there, I can see only one face. My classmate. I was crying and sobbing, really don't want her to go to hell. Mabz and I preached to her before. She was listening to every word but still, no feedback or what. And I don't want to see her suffer in hell, recalling what we've told her. Seriously. Hell is not fun. Burning in the fire, and you're not even consumed by them. You just burn and burn and burn forever. No ending. Eternally burnt.
No joke people. You reject Jesus, welcome to hell. Sounds real lebih of me right? But hey, it's the truth. All of us are initially destined to go to hell because we all sin. But God who loves everyone sent us His son Jesus to die for our sins. To redeem us from the hands of Satan. His dying on the cross means washing away our sins. And that paid the price of our death. The only thing we need to do is just accept Jesus and admitting He redeemed our souls. So what's your answer gonna be? Heaven? Or hell?
"For God so loved the world He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
-John 3:16-
Crash and Burn Baby...
It's now 1 am in the morning. What am I doing awake? Actually I went to bed at 11.30 pm and slept. I couldn't get back to bed when it started to rain just now. So here I am, blogging (offline) on my bed.
My week so far has been both happy and destressing yet a horrid one. Yesterday I had my Bible Knowledge exam. Sadly, it was like the coup de grace for my week. The week wasn't right for me at all to study anything since the trials exam are over. I was stubbornly in my kick-back-and-chill-out mode. My mind was refusing to cooperate with my conscience that seemed so soft her cries. Ironically in the previous youth meeting, we learnt about the difference between urgent and important tasks. Double the irony (Devil must be laughing his butt off now), BK exam was BOTH urgent and important. I'm such a *toot* ain't I? Lemme tell you what have I done for the week:
Friday: Went out, studied BK, BK class etc.
Saturday: "Relax ar! Trials baru over what..!"
Sunday: Chuch, jamming session, facial appointment, social gathering [fully booked]
Mon, Tues & Wed: Loads of chatting with best friend, studied at night
Thurs: PC crashing every 20 minutes. Forced to study (swt!), can't focus... bummed.
Fri: And I spare you the details on how torturing it is to memorize locations of missionary journeys and parables with similar components. (Don't blame the sub, it's just screwed up me.)
All I can say about my exam is history repeated itself. Rachel disappoints God, herself, Ms. Moey, Mom and the rest of the world who cares. From an F last year, progressed to a B3 mid year and back to square one. Immune? Numb? Excruciating? You tell me lah.
Came back. Chatted with my 2 best guy friends. Felt much better... real thanks to Joel and Hsiao Toong. Love ya! Oh yeah, my BK friend commented that I look like I've lost weight! Woopee! My sit ups and starving this week paid off. About the starving part, I did take my breakfast but I skipped lunch. Hey, at least I'm not vomitting stuffs after meals or what. Real 'zit toh' (duno how to explain that, lol!).
Hsiao Toong and I was talking about my after-SPM plans. Then I realized my social calendar's rather packed! Can I hear a BIG Amen? Here it is:
8th Dec: To salon for new hairdo and maybe new hair colour too!
11-14th Dec: HUGE camp @ Malacca! Woopeeeeeeee!! XD
15th Dec: Planet Shakers Conference/Concert
18th Dec: Celebrating Joel's burfday
The days after...
1. Driving lessons and get my driving license
2. Get a job at Starbucks maybe?
3. Buy myself a canggih-fied cellphone
4. Get a guitar and off to the lessons! (finally... )
5. Attend hip hop dancing lessons (lose fats while having fun! sounds good?)
6. French classes
7. Go to Youth Enrichment School (still thinking)
8. Get my baby Kelisa in pearl green! Muaxxxxx!
9. To college/F6 where everything else beginsss! Wooooo!
Basically that's it. However, we plan but GOD decides. So hopefully I'll get to execute (fuiyo!) them all! In the meantime, I shall study my butt off for SPM. Bummerz~
Identity Crisis. Naked Lies. (And Me.)
Monday, October 2
Identity Crisis. Naked Lies. (And Me.)
Yesterday we had jamming session after church for the youth concert tiz comin Sat. I was in charge of leading "What The World Will Never Take". The original key was low for me so I was requested to sing higher. I tried screaming cuz I couldn't sing higher without using falsetto. And it worked. At least, for them la. Not good I would say. In the middle while jamming I almost fainted. I guess I didn't breathe properly and I was using a lot of oxygen. At one point I wasn't standing still anymore. I can do it for "I've got a Saviour and He's living in me.." then I couldn't. Lol! It was just to challenging for me. I wouldn't risk going out of tune in front of the crowd. At least not in front of an unknown crowd. Sadly, no girls in the youth is born to sing high keys, and yeah that includes me. Pray that God will miraculously bless me with a power voice. Not tonight. But Saturday night will do. Lol... hey. Anything impossible with men is possible with God. (Fuiyo.... quote from Luke. XD)
Had my facial after that. Goodness. Hurt lyke crap. I requested for acne removing ('removing' was beyond painful, trust me.) phase. Now I officially look lyke a cherry pie. Wooopeeee. Lol. How can I party tonight for Ian's birthday and go jamming later in church without people commenting on it? Sweat! Anyway...after facial I straightaway attended this social gathering at a church member's home. People were shocked beyond words (ok, exaggerating again) when they saw my 'lovely' face. Saw this guy wearing the Time's Up shirt so I was like asking the host who's he. She called him over and was lyke, "See? You're so handsome until this young girl notices you from afar!" The guy and I was like stressing, "It's the shirt la!". Lol... I found out he was the youth leader from CCC and his name was Andrew. He asked me if I wanna join YPS (Youth Pastors' School) and I was lyke, "Do I look like I wanna be one?" Haha.... He said people can join even if they're youth leaders. So I was like.. coool! Haha. Anyway. Quite pai seh la since my face that time was so red & shiny (applied with those whatever acne med cream).
I came back feeling tired. Couldn't even study for BK. I just can't concentrate. Slept early. Yada yada.
OK, whatever I've just said has got nothing to do with my title... yet. So here goes. Yesterday night, I felt real weird. Confused. Torn apart by two individuals called Rachel. It's like my old, quiet, vulnerable, sensitive self is back to haunt me. Today's Rachel you see is the noisy, hyperactive, insane and attention-grabbing one. LAst time I felt like (and wants) nobody cares and now I feel people (especially girls) care too much until they hate me. Lol. Maybe I'm just too attention-grabbing, 'abnormally'-a-girl?
DOn't tell me I haven't been myself all this while I was crazy and noisy? I felt perfectly me then! Until yesterday, I actually was... well, tired. I like the introvert, noisy and insane me whom younger girls wanna be and people enjoy mingling with. Not the old, quiet me who nobody knows, cares what I am thinking and who assumes everything about me. Underneath this surface, am I hiding some part of me that's real? Am I scared someone, someday will see through me and discover the real me? But I am being me! I'm rather tired. Really. And I'm blurry between who I am now. The one with the fancy or the invisible mask on that I myself is fooled when I look at the girl in the mirror?
